Episode 7: New Neighbors
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[We open with the sound of a door bell ringing. You hear static on your television set, followed by brief white noise. The reception finds its way back quickly, and the picture resumes. You can see the inside of what looks to be a nice, small home, in black and white. To the left is the front door. A grey sofa sits facing the camera about five feet from the door. Nothing seems peculiar, other than the framed family photo of a young man with half of his face painted like a skull, another much larger man with his entire face painted, and another smaller man between them (no face paint, but he's grinning like a devil).]
[As if on cue, because it is, Half-Skull comes into the picture from stage right, cheerfully striding towards the door. The studio audience applauds at the sight of him and he acknowledges their applause with a swift wave of a hand, and a grin from ear to ear. The door bell rings again, and he opens the grey door. The devil man from the family photo dramatically pokes his head inside, his grin matching Half-Skull.]
Devil Man: Hello, Tempest! I'm home!
[Half-Skull, or Tempest, backs away and puts his hands on his hips, grinning and shaking his head with cheerful disapproval.]
Tempest: Oh, Daedalus! You rascal!
[Studio audience laughter.]
Tempest: You know you don't have to ring the door bell to your own home, don't you?
Daedalus: I sure do!
[Daedalus steps inside, closing the door behind him, his frozen grin never leaving his face.]
Daedalus: But that would take away from my dramatic entrance on our television special!
[Studio audience laughter. Tempest holds a hand up to his mouth in surprise.]
Tempest: We got a television special!? How exciting! I've got to clean myself up then!
[He turns to hurry off screen, but a gigantic fist falls into the picture, bonking him on the top of his head. You literally hear a "bonk" sound effect, followed by the sounds of birds chirping, as tiny birds appear to fly around Tempest's head and his eyes turn into little spirals spinning around. The humongous giant of a man from the photo appears stage right. Unlike Tempest and Daedalus, he does not have a grin frozen in place. In fact, he holds no expression at all.]
Daedalus: Koznar! You idiot!
[Daedalus pauses. Confused laughter from the studio audience.]
Daedalus: I mean...
[His grin finds its way back, frozen in place.]
Daedalus: Why, you can't do that, you big silly monster! That's the star of our special!
Koznar: Our special?
Daedalus: Yes! Our special!
[Tempest suddenly comes to, leaping up to his feet and throwing his arms to the side. Suddenly, the sound of Helen Kane's 'I Wanna Be Loved By You' begins to play, cutting to the opening credits.]
[It shows Tempest standing center stage as the music begins to play. He's two-stepping back and forth, a move he acquired from Montague Cervantes, a peculiar showman back in the Global Coalition.]
I'm not one of the greedy kind
All of my wants are simple
I know what's on my mind
I'm not resting until I find
Starring:
Tempest
[He dances, moving his butt from side to side. He's wearing a sparkly white dress, and his lips are painted in the middle, making him look like a life-sized creepy doll. It cuts to Daedalus in a suit and tie, walking across a perfectly mowed lawn. He looks somewhat out of place in an otherwise 60's suburban dream land.]
Also Starring:
Daedalus
What would make your eyes glisten with joy
Now listen, big boy
[It cuts to Koznar, sneaking around at the 60's suburbs at night, stalking a family walking up their sidewalk towards their home. It freezes at the sight of Koznar inside their home, grinning as he stands at their window. Splatters of blood streak the wall behind him.]
And:
David "Ny-Otep" Koznar
[It cuts back to Tempest at center stage, performing his bizarre song and dancing, pointing his finger into the screen.]
I wanna be loved by you, just you
And nobody else but you
I wanna be loved by you, alone
Boop-boop-a-doop!
[The opening credits end with the title of the sitcom centered in Tempest's place.]
The Astro Creeps
[The scene opens with Daedalus sitting at the dining room table, the newspaper spread out in front of him. A plate of eggs, bacon, and toast wait to be eaten behind today's news. Tempest creeps from the stove to the table, setting a second plate in front of Koznar, who sits, pondering, with his arms folded across his chest. Tempest is wearing an apron with the words "Thunder Kiss The Cook '65" in dark black letters. Daedalus flips the page of the paper, tsking in disapproval.]
Koznar: What exactly are we doing here?
[Daedalus bends the corner of the paper inwards, eyeing his roommate.]
Daedalus: What ever do you mean, big man?
[Koznar shrugs, tossing his humongous arms up, displaying their surroundings as an obvious indication for his question. Tempest giggles as the stove as he slides his own egg on a plate. The studio audience laughs with him. Koznar glares out and the studio audience laughs louder.]
Daedalus: Oh, this. Well, I'll tell you hwut, we ain't sellin' propane or propane accessories.
[The studio audience laughs hysterically. Koznar squints his eyes in annoyance.]
Daedalus: Oh. Well, actually, you might be. According to today's front page news, the Cages' house was burned to the ground last night.
Tempest: Oh no!
[He turns quickly to acknowledge the tragic news.]
Tempest: But I like the Cages. They're so funny!
Daedalus: Apparently our vertically gifted friend might be behind it.
[He jabs a thumb off to the side, pointing at Koznar as if telling Tempest a secret. He spreads the front page, revealing a grinning Koznar standing next to the home up in flames, a gas can in hand. Behind him, a man in a yellow and black mask stands tall with his hands behind his back. The yellow color of his mask really jumps out from the otherwise black and white picture. From the corner of the television screen, a picture of a developer pops up and shrieks "Toasty!"]
Daedalus: Oh look, you brought friends! I'm jealous, why weren't we invited?
[The studio audience laughs. Briefly, the camera actually cuts to the studio audience, who sit frozen with terrified, frozen grins on their faces. Then it cuts back to Daedalus and Koznar sharing a stare down. The silence is broken by the sound of their door bell ringing.]
Daedalus: Aw, saved by the bell. And speaking of your friends, Koznar!
[He offers a playful wink. Koznar stands and his voice changes, much to his own surprise, as he answers the door without taking a step in its direction.]
Koznar: Come here!
[The door opens, and the man in the yellow and black ninja mask steps inside.]
Scorpion: Get over here!
[Koznar floats over and wraps his friend in a manly embrace. Daedalus tilts his head curiously. The black and white of the television show slowly begins to change. At the top of the screen, color begins to drip, revealing color in the home's walls and ceiling.]
Scorpion: Welcome to the neighborhood. You're all invited to the neighborhood block party for Independence Day this evening.
[When Scorpion speaks, his ninja mask doesn't move. And, while the words are meant to be a friendly invitation, it sounds robotic and recorded.]
Tempest: Independence Day? But it isn't even the Fourth of July.
[He points to a calendar hanging on the wall next to the arch opening between the living room and the kitchen. The month reads March. The classic sound of a sad trombone plays in the studio, followed by audience laughter. Tempest holds a confused look and Scorpion throws his head back in amused laughter. When he speaks this time, it's with an Italian accent.]
Scorpion: A jokester, this one.
Daedalus: Right you are, old friend. We'll be there!
[The studio audience cheers and Scorpion gives a cheerful thumbs up, before leaving back through the front door. Koznar shuts the door, turning towards Daedalus.]
Koznar: Uh, D. I don't know that guy, but I felt like he and I went way back, you know? That was really weird.
Daedalus: Well, we ain't in Kansas anymore, Toto. Just relax, and enjoy the ride. We've got a lot to do here.
[Color continues to bleed down from the top of the screen, revealing a bright, cheerful summer world outside the windows of the house.]
Tempest: What's the invitation say?
[Daedalus looks at it curiously and shrugs, opening it.]
Daedalus: Says, 'Now's your chance to level up. See you in the ring, tee hee hee.'
[Studio audience laughs.]
Tempest: What ring?
Daedalus: Well, I'm going to assume a different ring than you're used to.
[The sad trombone effect plays, and the camera zooms in on Tempest's confused face with each 'wah.']
Wah, wah, waaaaah.
[Studio audience laughter.]
Tempest: Daedalus... did you do this?
[Daedalus grins and answers with cheerful insincerity.]
Daedalus: I sure did!
[Studio audience laughter.]
Tempest: Well, then there's no time to lose. We have to get ready!
[Tempest rushes to the coat closet in the home's entryway and opens it. Hanging there is a brightly colored magician's outfit. Daedalus leaps forward and slams the door shut.]
Daedalus: That's not yours! How did that get in there!?
[Louder studio audience laughter. Daedalus looks into the camera with a nervous smile and a shrug. Color has bled almost all the way onto the screen, only portions of the bottom in black and white.]
Tempest: Well, we should at least prepare for the event, then, yeah?
[He strides over to an old television set and clicks the power on. A news program is on, with a mannequin sitting at a desk with a stack of papers in his hands. He stares blankly into the camera.]
News Anchor: Today, a young man on acid realized that time doesn't exist. Time is just an agreed upon construct. We have taken distance, one rotation of the earth, and one orbit of the sun, divided it up into segments, then given those segments labels. We have been programmed to live our lives by this construct as if it were real. We have confused our shared construct with something that is tangible and thus have become its slave... Here's Tom with the weather!
[Daedalus quickly clicks off the television, another nervous smile on his face. The studio audience is silent.]
Daedalus: I can't see you preparing very well through that program, that's for sure!
[Studio audience laughs, nervously. Tension seems to fill their studio.]
Tempest: Well, then... Picture this if you will.
[He turns and faces the camera, glaring into the lens.]
Tempest: Don't be thrown off by our nonsensical nature. It's just a distraction. There's... so much more going on in the background. It's easy to dismiss us as being the strange and the insignificant. We're not here to make the Global Coalition proud; a roster of fools who cast us out on a weekly basis. My name is Tempest, and I don't represent the Global Coalition. I represent the Astro Creeps. And I'm here to hurt somebody.
[He continues to glare in silence. After a few moments, the screen goes back to black and white and the Astro Creeps are centered, grinning and waving as the instrumental for "I Wanna Be Loved By You" plays and the credits begin to roll.]