S2 E30: Bludgeoned For Christmas

He found himself at the door of Room 237 again. He gazed down at the keyhole, but the entity inside was inviting him in. He could feel it. 


So he reached out, turned the doorknob, and pushed. The door opened and revealed an empty hotel room.


It was dark, none of the lights were on, save for one. To the left, the bathroom door was cracked, allowing a sliver of light to escape. Tempest walked slowly towards it. 


Somewhere, he could hear the cawing of a crow and he immediately froze. 


“Long time no seagull, Tempy,” a voice said from the other side of the door. It sounded so far away, yet so close. He took a step backwards. Beads of perspiration were forming on his forehead. 


Taking a deep breath, he stepped towards the bathroom. He could hear the slow dripping of a faucet. Whether it was the sink or the bathtub (he had a feeling it was the latter), it was already full of water. He could tell by the sound. His stomach tightened as he reached for the door. 


When he pushed it open, he expected it to creak. But it swung open quietly and slowly, instead.


It was the red phone booth he saw first, and his eyes widened. Hadn’t he destroyed it? Hadn’t Kosnar taken its skeletal remains to the dump on the north side of town? 


But, then it came out. 


It was Johnny Hitmaker, and that may not seem all that terrifying, and wouldn’t have been to Tempest certainly, if it hadn’t been for Johnny’s head being that of a big red turkey buzzard. Its eyes flicked and its head tilted curiously at Tempest. 


And Tempest wanted to scream. But he couldn’t. He stood, frozen in the bathroom of Room 237, instead. 


He didn’t even notice her standing next to him at first, staring at him. He turned his head finally and saw her. He screamed then. 


He turned and ran, but the door to Room 237 slammed shut just before he reached it. He yelped and beat at the door, shouting for help. 


“Somebody get me out of here! The birds are gonna get me! The fucking birds are gonna get me! He knows! He fucking knows!”


He released a childish wail as he slumped down against the door helplessly. He didn’t dare look behind him, but he could hear the footsteps of one of them approaching. He closed his eyes tightly and counted to ten. 


“OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineTEN!”


The footsteps stopped. Silence filled the room. He dared to turn with his good eye and look behind him. 


Nothing. No Johnny Birdman. No disfigured lady. He sighed and closed his eyes with a smile. 


“It’s not real. Just like pictures in a book.”


He turned the doorknob to exit the room. 


Two hands grabbed his shoulders violently and pulled him back, dragging him into the bathroom as he shrieked. 


It was Jacky who discovered him. She heard his screaming and rushed to the room she knew he would be in. He had been fixated on it for weeks. 


When she stepped into the vacant hotel room, she found him unconscious. She knelt beside him and tried to wake him, gently at first, then when that didn’t work, she shrugged and slapped him hard across the face. 


His eyes opened wide and he started to howl like a child, but Jacky covered his mouth.


“It’s ok!” she shouted over him. 


He blinked a few times and came to. Jacky stood, pulling Tempest up with her. 


The bathroom door opened slowly. This time, it did creak. They watched as the disfigured lady stood in the bathroom, staring at them in silence. Jacky squinted, reaching for her pistol. 


“Pisces?” Tempest said softly. 


And she stepped forward slowly. When she reached the two frozen Creeps, she was staring at Jacky. It was she who had made her like this, after months of Pisces tormenting her and making her feel as if she didn’t belong. 


Jacky pulled the gun and pointed it at the disfigured lady’s face. But Pisces only reached out and gently pushed it aside. She shook her head slowly, looking down at the floor. 


Then she did something that surprised both Tempest and Jacky. She reached out and hugged Ragdoll. Jacky stiffened and immediately looked at Tempest. He shrugged, still somewhat distracted by the bathroom. 


Finally, Jacky hugged her back, if for nothing else than to get her out of the awkwardness faster. She pulled away, and when she looked at Jacky again, the clown thought maybe she smiled. 


Jaclyn Pierrot belonged. And she finally realized she belonged.



“I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I know that you try to convince yourself that you have too, but I can taste the dread that resides deep in the pit of your stomach.”


Tempest sat on a makeshift throne. He had an elbow propped on one arm of it, his face leaning against the palm of his hand. His fingers picked at the half mask that seemed to be fused to his face at this point. The Cross-Hemisphere championship was wrapped snugly around his waist.


“It’s the same dread that fills all of my opponents. But, for you, it’s even deeper. The taste, more potent. I have a lot I want to say to you, and yet, at the same time, I have nothing to say to you.”


He lounged on the throne, adjusting his position so that his good eye could be seen. The frosty blue iris seemed to grow. 


“I know you’ve got this fairytale book ending in your mind. You’ve got this fantasy that you’re going to use me to vault yourself into the World title picture. After all of this time, you still look at me as a stepping stone and nothing more.”


He chuckled to himself. Strangely enough, it seemed to be a halfway sane chuckle.


“Do you know what I do to fairytale endings? Do you know what I do to fantasies?”


He turned his head, showing the mask and the skin that would look like chewed bubblegum for the rest of his life. He revealed the eye that he lost all of his vision in, dead and white. A small grin pulled at the bubblegum corner of his mouth. 


“I burn them,” he whispered. 


Leaning back, he spoke up once more, running his fingertips along the center plate of the belt. 


“You like to pat yourself on the back, don’t you Koward? You and your lackeys. What’s that silly monkey’s name? Juliano? It doesn’t matter. What matters is… you’re not really a good person at all. Are you?”


He tilted his head, raising an eyebrow as if he just discovered Konrad’s deepest, darkest secret. 


“You never had Alzheimer’s… and I believe you’re not bipolar either. I’m convinced that you paid off some quack to diagnose you, to give you some excuse, any excuse, to be a terrible human being. I’m convinced that you use these mental health issues as a crutch, to justify to yourself to be the narcissistic, piece of shit that you really are, deep in the recesses of your soul.”


He paused, then leaned forward on the throne.


“Where I live.”


He grinned and stood from it. 


“At Horizons, I’m going to confront you. I’m going to engage you…”


He leaned in once more and whispered, “…I’m going to erase you. All hail… the Spider King.”




Static…


Click…


The scene opens to a world of claymation. Clay snow falls on snow-covered hills. A sleigh with a big brown bag can be seen off to the side of a forest. From the forest, as the sound of Christmas music plays, comes claymation Tempest. He looks out of place, as if Jack Skellington found his way into The Year Without A Santa Claus.


“I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas

Monty and Sebby are mad

I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas 

Cuz I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.”


Clay Tempest bobs his head from side to side cheerfully along with the music. 


“I reclaimed chaos at Infinity

Somebody snitched on me

I birthed the Arsonist at the Ignition P-P-V

Somebody snitched on me.”


He wagged a defiant index finger like Shirley Temple would in one of her old movies.


“Seb took half my face and one of my eyes

Even I’ll admit it was a pleasant surprise 

But it was the start of his spiraling demise

And somebody snitched on me.”


Clay Tempest unmasks and half of his face is ripped off along with it, his dead eyeball rolling out of its socket and into the snow.


“Oh, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas

Duncan and Centy are mad

I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas 

Cuz I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.”


“I dethroned Centurion at Wrestlestock

Somebody snitched on me

And then the Creeps came and Duncan took the walk

Somebody snitched on me.”


Clay Ragdoll and Montague join in with him from the trees.


“I turned out to be Centurion’s final fantasy

And haunted Duncan Ryder as the Spider King

Don’t tell Eden I ate the turtles in the Maldives

Somebody will snitch on me.”


The three claymation figures hold mischievous hands up to their mouths before breaking out into the second chorus together.


“Oh Konnie’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas

All the German children are mad

Konnie’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas

All the toys you donated are in my bag.”


Clay Tempest leaps to the big bag on the sleigh and starts to point at it. Claymation Daedalus pops up from behind it and shakes his head. He wags his finger at first, then points at a much smaller bag that has a Christmas tag that says: From Konrad. Tempest throws his head back and laughs.


“You brag and boast about your good deeds

Somebody snitched on you

The problem is you lack sincerity

Somebody snitched on you.”


More Astro Creeps lurk out from the forest, until there are about sixty claymation figures dancing around in the open.


“You think you’re as beloved as Santa’s sleigh

But everyone only wants you to go away

They’ll praise me when I’m wearing your face

Somebody snitched on you.”


Now all of the Creeps lift Tempest up and celebrate him as he covers his face with the torn face of Konrad. All of the Creeps sing.


“Oh, Konnie’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas!

All the German children are sad

Konnie’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas!

Cuz they’re so disappointed in Konrad.”


And now just Clay Tempest:


“So tell the world I’m the king across hemispheres

Not only of the earth, but also between your ears

I manifest within and feed on all your fears

And nobody will snitch on me!


Oh I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas

Holden and Ooley are mad

I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas

Ol’ Bob, can I borrow your bat?”


And once again, all of the Creeps join in for the finale, tossing Tempest into the air. He lands on his feet and stands in front of the rest of them. 


“Cuz Konrad’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas!

Ol’ Tempest is out of his head

Konrad’s gettin’ bludgeoned for Christmas!

Cuz I want you nuttin’ but dead.”


Static…


Click…